Had a very distant day today. Distant is the right word for how I feel, though I haven’t used it to describe a day before. After all, we are always in a day, we live through it. But you would know what I mean- we have all been there. That feeling of loneliness in a crowded city, that strong urge to escape from people and conversations to hide in your room, that analysis of life so far and what is to come.Like an old reel of movie playing in a dark cinema and you are the only one watching. And when you feel this way, you just wait for the pain to pass.
Thoughts are difficult to control, sleep doesn’t take away the pain either- your dreams are filled with echoes of cruel existence. You look at the emptiness in the hall, the tree leaves moving under street light, the clarity of sound of falling water in your shower. Everything seems to have a life of its own, except you. You are too old to blame people around for it, it won’t work. Everyone wants to see you happy- since you played your part so well in the play, they don’t know how you feel. You were the greatest comedian, and no one ever saw you backstage crying. Besides how many people actually know you in this world in any case. You were all too secretive about your deepest desires and now they hurt you alone. They got a hold of you in this darkness. You just wait for it to pass.
But it will go away, it always does. This is not the first time you are going through it. It can’t harm you, you were build in this same hearth.Maybe the memory just ran week over all these years of joy. But life has its way of going in circles, and your inner metal won’t burn along with your outer clothes in this passing-through ceremony. You will come out shining again, devoid of all those fancy clothes you bought on the way. Renewed and glorious.